So I embarked on a Mattsapundit Emergency Management Agency trek to my friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart, where I grabbed a big plastic tub, and rolled through the aisles, shoveling in items that might prove useful during the aftermath of a hurricane/flood/nuclear exchange/Detroit Pistons victory celebration.

Food:

-Spam (for optimal sodium levels)
-Fruit, canned (so I don’t get the scurvy)
-Chili (it’s still Texas, even if it’s post-apocalyptic Texas)
-Stew (just like Mama used to make, before she was vaporized)
-Peanuts, canned (high-energy salty goodness)
-Pudding, vanilla (because chocolate pudding sucks)
-Soup, chicken noodle (in case I have a post-apocalyptic cold)

Water:

-Spring, three gallons (nothing but the best)

Tools & Stuff:

-Knife
-Twine (for tying stuff)
-Rope, nylon (for field-expedient administration of justice)
-Tape, duct (for miscellaneous taping and hostage-silencing uses)
-Flashlight (for when the post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland isn’t glowing brightly)
-Batteries (I know damn well how shitty CenterPoint is, even in pre-apocalyptic situations)
-Ammunition, .22 and .40S&W (for dealing with varmints, looters and uncooperative insurance claims adjusters)
-Gasoline, five gallons (for fueling Mattsapundit Mobile Command and burning the bodies of those lucky enough to have been killed in The Incident)
-Openers, can and bottle
-Pens and paper
-Marker, Sharpie
-Camera, disposable (for filling up the post-post-apocalyptic photo album)

First Aid and Toiletries:

-Band-Aids (for boo-boos)
-Gauze (for more serious wounds)
-Bandage, ace (for the inevitable post-apocalyptic sprains and strains)
-BC Headache Powder (which cures everything)
-Pepto-Bismol (for the dystentery likely to set in since I didn’t buy enough water)
-Peroxide, hydrogen (in case my wounds don’t sting enough)
-Soap, dish (for removing tough, baked-on radioactive grease)
-Soap, people (ditto)
-Toothbrush and toothpaste (for a gleaming, minty fresh post-apocalyptic smile)
-Bleach (for…um…I really have no idea)
-Trash bags, plastic

I realize that I’ve left off some things, which I’ve listed below:

-Battery-operated radio (for listening to the post-apocalyptic Dan Patrick Show)
-Waterproof pouch for important documents
-Beer
-Tarp

I’m sure there are also things I don’t realize I need (the “unknown unknowns,” as Rummy would say)

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Spike Lee: “Exactly. It’s not far-fetched. And also I would like to say it’s not necessarily blow it up. But, the residents of that ward, they believe it, there was a Hurricane Betsy in ’65, the same that happened where a choice had to be made, one neighborhood got to save another neighborhood and flood another ‘hood, flood another neighborhood.

Lee: “Let me ask you a question: Do you think that election in 2000 was fair? You don’t think that was rigged?” [audience applause]

Martin: “It’s not a question of not being fair, it’s a question of-”

Lee: “If they can rig an election, they can do anything!”

When asked about the levee conspiracy theory, which apparently has gained credence among some New Orleans blacks, Mr. Lee said that “it’s not too far-fetched to think that, look, we got a bunch of poor black people here. We got to save these other neighborhoods. What we got to do, dump this in this ward, boom. I believe it.”

And when interviewer Daryn Kagan asked whether Mr. Lee really believed that theory, the director replied: “I don’t put anything past the United States government.”

Then again, what do you expect from a Knicks fan?

Dr. Kamau Kambon, who taught Africana Studies 241 in the Spring 2005 semester at North Carolina State University, also said this needs to be done “because white people want to kill us.”Addressing a panel on “Hurricane Katrina Media Coverage,” broadcast in its entirety on C-SPAN, Kambon told the audience that white people “have retina scans, they have what they call racial profiling, DNA banks, and they’re monitoring our people to try to prevent the one person from coming up with the one idea. And the one idea is, how we are going to exterminate white people because that in my estimation is the only conclusion I have come to. We have to exterminate white people off the face of the planet to solve this problem.”

Oooookay, psycho. He’s still on the list of faculty at the Africana Studies department, by the way. Why not drop department chair Dr. Craig C. Brookins a line and let him know what you think of his employee?

[Hat-tip: Michelle Malkin]

UPDATE: Protein Wisdom has secured a (fictional, but funny) interview.

Yikes.

Here are the stats:

• Maximum sustained winds: 175 mph
• Minimum central pressure: 882 mb
• Hurricane-force wind radius: 50 miles
• Position as of 11:00 a.m. EST: 17.4 north, 83.2 west
• Movement: West-northwest at 7 mph

Do you have your essential hurricane supplies ready?

Maybe we’ll get to see whether Ray Nagin learned anything.

Here’s the NHC‘s take. Here’s the skinny from the Weather Channel. Weather Underground puts Wilma on track to graze the Yucatan, though the models suggest otherwise.

Wilma is the last name on the Center’s 2005 list. If more storms develop, they’ll be named frat-boy style. Thus, the season’s 22nd storm would be named Alpha, just to remind us all that the NHC is a government organization.

Stay tuned to LST’s SuperDopplerStormTrackerSkyWatch coverage, where we don’t have to fake it.

A doctor has offered to perform free abortions on hurricane evacuees, saying it may be too dangerous for them to wait until they return home.Despite protests from abortion opponents, Little Rock Family Planning clinic director Dr. Jerry Edwards said he has already performed six free abortions. The clinic usually charges between $525 and $600 for a first-trimester abortion.

“If we didn’t provide it now, they would get it later — a late-term abortion that would give greater risk to the mother’s health,” Edwards told KTHV-TV in Little Rock.

What a sweetheart. Dr. Edwards has inspired me to perform similar acts of generous violence.

Selfless, caring soul that I am, for the next week I’ll be more than happy to toss hurricane victims down flights of stairs, dropkick stranded puppies, and coldcock elderly evacuees. No charge. Don’t thank me, I’m just doing my duty.

Hey everyone – the HEB at Fry Road and I-10 is open. And they have gas!
I didn’t expect anything to be open. Everything else was closed. Except HEB! I bought milk and bread for the kids, beer for me, hamburger and hotdogs, we’re set! I asked the checker how they opened so fast. Turns out this wasn’t the local crew – HEB brought these people in from Uvalde, 250 miles to the west!

Still not going, though. I’ll wait for Randalls to open up tomorrow morning.

UPDATE: It’s closed. Why, God? WHYYYYYY?!

And so, I’ll give you links to people who are covering the storm. Maybe they have more exciting things to say than I do.

Lone Star Times has a crew of reserve bloggers. We bring them in when we’re beating Navy by four touchdowns. Or you can try Rob, Laurence, Kevin and Anne, or even Greg.

Here are current conditions from the good folks at Weatherbug:

Temperature: 79.4°F
Pressure: 29.54″ pressure rising
Average Wind: 13mph N

Other than that, not much to report. I’ve got my survival kit ready to go, consisting of one constitutionally protected anti-looting system, two bathtubs full of water, one bottle of Scotch and a whole mess of Campbell’s soup.

Fox News on the TV, Sleater-Kinney on iTunes, and I’m pretty content.

While holing up at my folks’ place in Sheridan, I saw the storm track turn northward and decided to make the trek home. I figured it would be dicey to make the trek home when half the world is trying to come back to Houston, so I decided to beat the crowd.

It was a pretty sweet drive. 80 mph from Columbus all the way in to Dairy Ashford. There was hardly anyone on the road, going either direction. One interesting thing I saw, though, was a small convoy of vehicles from Arizona. State troopers were escorting a Suburban bearing Phoenix Fire Department markings, along with three large trucks and a chartered bus. They were heading east, right into Houston. It’s good to know other states are stepping up.