October 30, 2006

What a weekend

This weekend I headed up to Austin for Wes’ birthday and a Halloween party. The following things happened, in no particular order:

  • A guy tried to sell me ecstasy,
  • Then he stole my malt liquor from the fridge.
  • Captain Morgan and I talked about Notre Dame football.
  • I was forced to wear a halter top.
  • We discovered the nicest Dairy Queen in the world.
  • Supergirl fondled my chest angrily.
  • We convinced Wes to leave his tomahawk in the car.
  • Bobby farted at least every 15 minutes for 6 hours.
  • We ate “love butter” at the Magnolia Cafe.

Good times.


September 20, 2006

In which I call out an inconsiderate person as such

It’s going to be a long night at the office, so I went to Randall’s for a Diet Pepsi and a TV dinner a few minutes ago. I approached one of the express lanes, which was clearly marked with a large sign: 15 items or fewer.

The woman in front of me had approximately 40 items splayed all over the conveyor belt, which bugged me. But I didn’t say anything. Then, as the woman was bagging her groceries, she asked the cashier why there wasn’t an employee there bagging her groceries.

The cashier responded that it’s an express lane, and the sackers work at the regular lanes.

The shopper, a bit flustered, then said, “I didn’t know that.”

Bullshit.

First of all, there’s a large sign proclaiming “Express Lane,” and specifying the details thereof. On this sign, the letters and background are in contrasting colors, and the text is printed in block letters in the English language. The sign is suspended directly above the entrance to the lane. Furthermore, it’s positioned in such a way that you can’t see the light indicating the lane is open without having the sign directly in your field of vision.

Secondly, this store is configured like virtually every other grocery store in the English-speaking world. The first two or three lanes are always express lanes.

The cashier started to say something, and the woman cut her off: “Why didn’t you tell me? You should have told me.”

Now, I have a working knowledge of human nature. I understand that all people — myself included — have an inclination to duck responsibility for their mistakes. No one likes to think they’ve failed, so people shift the blame. I understand that. But this woman didn’t blame circumstances, or society, or something else out of her control. She blamed an innocent person for her wrong action. And that pissed me off. I had to say something, so I did.

“No, she shouldn’t have told you,” I said. I turned and pointed to the sign above the register, a sign you can’t miss, even if you’re a stupid, inconsiderate boor.

“There’s a big sign right there. It says ‘15 items or fewer’ in 8-inch letters. You can’t miss it.”

The woman quickly, but not quickly enough, bagged her groceries and left in a huff. I paid for my purchase and the cashier gave me a smile. Made my day.


September 15, 2006

‘We got the panty-droppers!’

I was coming out of the 11th Street Border Stop — a combination gas station, convenience store, check-cashing place and taqueria near MattCo Headquarters — when I was approached by a young, smiling guy carrying a laminated list. Here’s how the conversation went down:

Guy: “Hey man, what kind of cologne you wear?”

Me: “I don’t.”

Guy: “Nothing? Well, today’s the day to start!”

Me: “Nah, that’s okay.”

Guy: “Come on, man, it’s Friday and we got the panty-droppers!”

Me: (laughing and getting into my car) “Sorry, dude, not interested.”

Guy: “Put this on, you’ll wake up tomorrow with 15 kids and child support, it’s that good.”

Heh. That made my day.


September 11, 2006

Cut off from the world, Part II

I went to the Verizon store yesterday to see about getting a new phone. It was actually a pretty good experience. I had to wait in line longer than I would have liked, but I explained the problem, the guy looked at the phone, and offered to replace it.

Unfortunately, he didn’t have any of my model phone, so they’re shipping me one via 2nd Day Air. Pretty sweet. All I have to do is ship the crappy one back when I get the new one, and we’ll be good to go. I should get the new phone on Wednesday.

Until then, no cell phone for me. If you need to get in touch with me, drop me an email.


August 3, 2006

Mattsapundit temporarily relocates to West Oaks

Mattsapundit Central Comment has temporarily moved operations to Rob’s house while he and the missus are traipsing around Europe, leaving me in charge of their booze and swimming pool.

Yeah, I don’t know what they were thinking, either.


August 2, 2006

Breakin’ the law, breakin’ the law

Last night, I found myself in the middle of a police chase.

I was heading east on the Katy Freeway from Barker Cypress, when I saw distant police lights in my rear-view mirror. Next thing I knew, a white El Camino was flying by. I figure he was going about 100. Then the cops came. At least a half-dozen HPD cars, several Harris County Sheriff’s cars and Suburbans and a couple of state troopers.

No choppers, though, from either the police department or the TV stations, so I think the chase had just gotten started. I hope they got the guy.


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