August 3, 2006

Kendall Library to close, reopen on Eldridge

The west side’s homeless people will have to find somewhere else to bathe:

A new Kendall Library will be built on a 3.5-acre city-owned site on North Eldridge Parkway near Harris County’s Terry Hershey Park.

The existing Kendall Library, 14330 Memorial Drive, will be closed when the new library opens, city officials said.

Doris Harris, who raised her family in Wilchester subdivision near the Kendall Library, said she was surprised and shocked to hear the library was moving.

“I am very sorry to see it go,” said Harris, who now lives in Memorial Drive townhomes near Town & Country.

“But if it has to go, I’d like to see the building turned into a community center with meeting rooms that could be used by groups, like my bridge club.”

As tempting as municipally-subsidized geriatric loitering sounds, I like this next guy’s idea a lot better:

Diane Swan, a Nottingham Forest resident, said a Houston Police Department substation or storefront could be a good fit for that building.

I like that idea. The closest police station that I know of is the Westside Command Station. It’s a very large facility, but it covers a huge swath of territory with a rapidly growing population. That’s why HPD might divide the command, allowing for more local policing, and that’s a good thing:

Houston Police Department Executive Assistant Chief Tim Oettmeier told about 150 west Houston residents at the Aug. 2 community meeting on crime that HPD has been “toying with the idea” of dividing the Westside Command, possibly at the Galleria area, as an answer to handling crime in the district.

“We’re looking at that,” he said. “I don’t want you to walk out of here thinking it’s a done deal.”

“We’re trying to compensate for that by using overtime,” Oettmeier said, adding that Westside is also getting more officers from graduating academy classes. Eleven of 49 new officers that finished in late July were assigned to Westside.

More officers is always a good thing, but I’d like to think we’d get some experienced officers to help the rookies. Unfortunately, it sounds like that’s not going to happen:

“But in terms of uprooting officers from permanent assignments, the decision has been made that we are not going to do that,” he said. “We have taken a tremendous loss across the city. Everybody is suffering, including Westside.”


August 2, 2006

Breakin’ the law, breakin’ the law

Last night, I found myself in the middle of a police chase.

I was heading east on the Katy Freeway from Barker Cypress, when I saw distant police lights in my rear-view mirror. Next thing I knew, a white El Camino was flying by. I figure he was going about 100. Then the cops came. At least a half-dozen HPD cars, several Harris County Sheriff’s cars and Suburbans and a couple of state troopers.

No choppers, though, from either the police department or the TV stations, so I think the chase had just gotten started. I hope they got the guy.


August 1, 2006

Twenty cool things about my neighborhood

Everyone’s been talking about the “20 cool things about Houston” phenomenon, and Rob has jumped in with a post about cool things in his neighborhood. Now it’s my turn.
For purposes of this list, I’m going to define the neighborhood pretty tightly. It’s roughly a 2-mile square bound by the Katy Freeway to the north, Kirkwood to the east, Briar Forest to the south and Eldridge to the west.

Here goes:

  1. Sandy’s Produce Market: It’s a health food store, salad bar and antique shop in a former K-Mart. It’s got a reat salad bar, scores and scores of different teas, and friendly people. (South side of the Katy Freeway, just east of Tully)
  2. Tully Stadium: It’s pretty impressive for a high school stadium. On fall Friday nights, you can hear the bands and see the lights for quite a while around. (East side of Dairy Ashford, 1/2 mile south of the Katy Freeway)
  3. Hebert’s Specialty Meats: It’s a Cajun butcher shop. You can get just about any kind of critter jammed with any kind of stuffing you can imagine. Rabbit & broccoli-cheese? No problem. Quail and eggplant? You got it. (West side of Dairy Ashford, 1/2 mile south of the Katy Freeway)
  4. Spec’s Liquors: One hell of a good liquor store. It has a walk-in humidor, a very nice selection of cheeses, and of course lots and lots of booze. (South side of Memorial, just west of Dairy Ashford)
  5. Glazed Over Ceramic Studio: Rob and Michelle’s business. You paint pre-made ceramic stuff, like plates, cups, figurines, etc., and the staff glazes and fires the pieces in a kiln. It’s also BYOB, so it’s got that going for it, which is nice. (Same strip center as Spec’s)
  6. Taco Bell: I don’t know how they do it, but the staff there is unfailingly friendly and remarkably speedy, even at 2:00 in the morning. (Southwest corner of Memorial and Dairy Ashford)
  7. Houston Shoe Hospital: In an age where nearly everything is disposable or easily replaceable, these guys fix shoes. The fact that they’ve been in business forever is a testament to how well they do it. They can make a shoe last forever, like an axe that’s gone through four handles and two heads. (West side of Dairy Ashford, just south of Memorial)
  8. Memorial Athletic Club and Aquatic Center: This is a damn fine gym, with lots of everything — free weights, weight machines, cardio equipment, classes, racquetball, basketball, and two swimming pools, one of which is indoors. BONUS COOLNESS: Individual TVs at every elliptical machine, treadmill and bike. (North side of Memorial, just west of Dairy Ashford)
  9. La Hacienda Mexican Restaurant: This place is an absolute insitution. It’s been serving up the same decent Tex-Mex for well over 30 years. They’ve got a hilarious lounge singer, too.
  10. Leibman’s Food & Wine: An excellent gourmet food store. They’ve got beer and wine, too. The whole place is full of stuff you can’t get anywhere else, including several pre-made dishes daily. (South side of Memorial, about 3/10 mile east of Dairy Ashford)
  11. Los Tios Mexican Restaurant: Another institution, though this one doesn’t show its age as much as LaHa. It has a cool cantina off to the side. BONUS COOLNESS: My mom used to be a waitress in that cantina. (West side of Kirkwood, just north of Memorial)
  12. Moscow: A little Russian grocery store with a deli counter, strong Baltika beer and matryoska nesting dolls that look like Nikita Khrushchev. You can get Penthouse in Russian, too. (Southwest corner of Memorial and Kirkwood)
  13. Ace Hardware City: It had a better hometown feel in its old location, but now this hardware store has a bigger selection in a nicer building. This is where I get all my Christmas-lighting needs.
  14. Memorial Citgo: This place has been filling and fixing Bramanti cars since I was in Huggies. Sandy Theocharidis runs a real service station. It used to be Thornhill Texaco, but was recently renovated and rebranded. Sandy and his guys are honest and they charge a fair price. (North side of Memorial, 1/4 mile west of Dairy Ashford)
  15. Ashford Arms: This is my bar. The crowd is mostly regulars, though the occasional British or Irish expatriate comes in. They have free food most nights (hot dogs, stew or pizza) until it runs out, which it always does. Ask for Filly. (Southwest corner of Dairy Ashford and Perthshire)
  16. Cafe Rita: A little hole-in-the-wall Lebanese place. George and Rita are friendly as can be, and the dude could sell ice to an eskimo. (“Just try a little bit…”) Great beef shawarma and baba gahnouj. (Same strip center as the Ashford Arms)
  17. Randalls: I love grocery stores, and this is the best one in the neighborhood. Clean, huge, upscale. True, H-E-B is cheaper, but it’s a big pile of crap. Yeah, Kroger is a one-minute walk from my living room, but the Kroger Co. thinks I should ring up my own groceries. Randalls forever. (Wraps the northwest corner of Memorial and Dairy Ashford)
  18. St. John Vianney Catholic Church: This has been my parish since I was maybe 3. I don’t go to Mass much there anymore (Diane and I go to the Chapel of St. Basil at the University of St. Thomas), but it’s still my home parish, and I’m there pretty frequently for Knights of Columbus events. (Nottingham Oaks, just south of Memorial)
  19. Becks Prime. They make a damn good hamburger and the richest shakes you’ve ever had. The location is nice, too — tucked away in some trees. Swordfish sandwiches, too. (East side of Dairy Ashford, just south of the Katy Freeway)
  20. The Katy Freeway: Studded with every form of development imaginable, this ribbon of concrete streches from Los Angeles to Jacksonville, Fla. When the current expansion is done, it’ll be 18 lanes wide.

June 28, 2006

Laurence launches intervention on Chris Baker

Local afternoon talk host Chris Baker (740 KTRH) is a funny guy, and a pretty good talk show host. The guy understands the potential in blogging, but Laurence is right about Chris’ blog:

Then the other day Ken Charles is all a flutter, interrupting Chris on his show over something new…

  • A photo gallery?
  • A studiocam?
  • Moderated comments?
  • RSS feeds?
  • A decent picture of Chris?
  • Permalinks for individual posts?
  • Moderated forums for listener discussions when the show isn’t on?

Hell no. It’s “Instant messaging” he gasps and I look at it.

It’s just an email form. Not exactly “Instant messaging” by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, it’s faster for me just to thumb in a message from Ziggy3 than jump through those hoops.

There’s so much that needs to be done, and this is a priority?

Take a look for yourself. His blog has some major problems with it. Some are aesthetic and some are functional, but they all scream “amateur.”

  • Broken and incorrect links (several point to the site’s admin area)
  • No blockquotes
  • No permalinks
  • No comments
  • No feeds
  • Inconsistent text formatting
  • Sloppy layout

Basically, the site doesn’t work very well, and it’s uglier than a shit sandwich on a stick in the rain.
I’m not saying this to rip on Baker, but to prod KTRH and Ken Charles to action. The blog has so much potential. Stories could develop across Houston media — radio, TV, print, Internet. Listeners could become blog readers. Link love could proliferate, and the “50,000-Watt Think Tank” could be at the center of it all.

But that’s not going to happen as long as the site looks like someone tried to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver.

Chris, Ken, get on the stick and fix that blog!


June 5, 2006

Food review: HISD Summer Feeding Program

The other day, I saw a press release touting the Houston Independent School District’s Summer Feeding Program:

Breakfasts will be served from 7:30–8:30 a.m., and lunches will be served from 10:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Adults may also participate in the program by purchasing breakfast for $1.60 and lunch for $2.85.

HISD meals are nutritionally analyzed to ensure that children receive the vitamins, minerals, and calories required to maintain a balanced diet.

All that for under three bucks? How could I resist? So I skipped on down to the nearest government indoctrination center, which happens to be Sinclair Elementary School, less than two miles from MattCo.

After making my way past a mean-looking secretary and a bunch of kids who spoke less English than my pet fish does, I found the nearly empty cafeteria, and went through the serving line. The entire waitstaff consisted of one friendly woman in disposable plastic gloves. Here’s what she dished up:

DSCN2663

It’s a six-compartment polystyrene tray, loaded with everything a growing boy needs. Today’s main course was breaded chicken strips, accompanied by broccoli cuts, a white roll and mashed potatoes. Accessories included a spork, an absurdly thin paper napkin, and a thin straw. I’ll address each compartment in turn, beginning with the chicken strips and going clockwise.

DSCN2664

The chicken strips were thickly breaded, with only a slightly greasy feel. The breading, liberally spiked with black pepper, surrounded a rubbery bit of engineered chicken material. Not bad, as far as chicken strips go. Cream gravy would have been a nice addition, but it was nowhere to be found. The portion was pretty big — five strips! — but I attribute that to the server’s appreciation of my rugged good looks. Sources tell me that the standard portion is three strips.

The broccoli cuts were incredibly hot and somewhat overdone. Despite the overcooking, however, the vegetable’s flavor was unharmed. No seasoning was evident.

DSCN2665

The tennis-ball sized dollop of mashed potatoes appeared to have been prepared from dehydrated potato flakes. The texture was perfectly uniform throughout: no bits of skin, no bacon bits, no cheese, nada. Similarly consistent was the utter lack of flavor.

The roll was tasty and dense, but for some inexplicable reason it was sliced latitudinally like a hamburger bun. I suppose the slice could have been an HISD hint, telling me where to apply butter, but none was provided. Pity. The roll was fine by itself, but a little butter or jelly would have gone a long way.As I was going through the serving line, I wondered what the fifth compartment would hold. Dessert, perhaps? Cherry cobbler with little crumbles on top would have been nice. Alas, the server completed her duties without putting anything in the fifth compartment. Was it a metaphor for the emptiness of an overreliance on government assistance, or just some sneaky bastard hoarding all the cobbler?

The sixth compartment was intended to hold utensils. As you can see, it’s designed so that the utensils face up when the compartment is oriented to the right. When you turn it around, the utensils are upside-down and the entree is far away. I’m deeply offended by this not-so-subtle slap at left-handed people, and I hope the superintendent takes measures to rectify HISD’s de facto policy of right supremacy.

No beverage was provided. I thought for sure I’d get a shot of 2% milk, but no dice. I guess calcium is exempt from HISD’s nutritional scrutiny. Instead, I hit the water fountain on the way out.

Anyway, back to lunch. The decor was pretty boring and institutional. The room was large, with round laminate tables, high ceilings, and way too much linoleum, glazed brick and harsh fluorescent lighting.

While I was enjoying my meal, I was approached by a gentleman who asked what I was doing. Apparently, school administrators don’t get a lot of food reviewers, because at first he seemed unconvinced by my explanation. He told me I should have gotten a visitor badge when I came into the school. Okay, no problem. I checked into the office on the way out, and they scanned my driver’s license into some massive HISD database. Pretty intrusive for some chicken fingers, if you ask me.

All in all, it was a pretty good meal, as long as you don’t stop to consider the fact that its mere existence encourages irresponsible parenting and complete, pet-like reliance on government.

Pros: Extra chicken; low price; convenient location; opportunity to mess with befuddled school administrator.

Cons: No drink; getting hassled by The Man; failing our children with a massive educational bureaucracy and welfare state; no gravy.

Decor: 145233316_6a2f64c40b (out of four)

Food Appearance:145233316_6a2f64c40b

Taste: 145233316_6a2f64c40b145233316_6a2f64c40b

Nutritional Value: 145233316_6a2f64c40b145233316_6a2f64c40b

Bang for the Buck: 145233316_6a2f64c40b145233316_6a2f64c40b145233316_6a2f64c40b

Overall: 145233316_6a2f64c40b145233316_6a2f64c40b


May 30, 2006

How to take care of your customers

Pay attention, businessperson! I’m about to share a story of good customer service, and how you too can keep your customers from spending their hard-earned money at that piker’s store down the street.

A few days ago, I skipped down to my local McDonald’s hamburgery and bought an Asian Salad from the drive-thru. The salad comes with a little packet of sliced almonds, which provide a nice contract in flavor and texture to the greens and sweet dressing.

At least, they’re supposed to. I don’t know what these almonds tasted like, because when I opened the packet, I found the nuts covered in blue-green mold. I don’t mean a few spores here and there. This was a fully-functioning mold city.

I didn’t have time to deal with it then, so I just threw out the almonds, checked the rest of my salad for rot, and munched away. Eventually I called McDonald’s corporate headquarters and talked to a very helpful young guy who took my complaint and promised to forward my concerns to the franchisee. Okay, whatever. At least I bitched to someone.
To my pleasant suprise, I got a call Friday morning from the restaurant’s owner, a woman whose name eludes me at the moment. She was very apologetic and seemed genuinely interested in my complaint. She was pretty embarrassed that there would be problems with such a high-profile, much-ballyhooed product, and she pledged to investigate the matter.

She even offered to send me some gift certificates so I can come back in for free (hopefully) non-fungus-riddled food. I haven’t gotten them yet, but I figure it’ll be five bucks. Fine by me.
I am now once again a satisfied customer, and I’ll gladly go back to that McDonald’s, because that business proved it wants my patronage.


April 11, 2006

Houston Roller Derby kicks ass

roller derby

I went to the inaugural bout of the fledging Houston Roller Derby league this weekend. In a word: awesome. It was held in the ballroom of the Arabia Shrine at North Braeswood and Kirby, and I’d say there were at least 500 spectators in attendance.

It’s a bit like professional wrestling. The pageantry is hilarious. Lots of spotlights, music and drunken cheering. The names are fun, too. The teams have names like Machete Betties and Psych Ward Sirens. The players names are often take-offs of famous women (Dismae West, Elle McFierce, Ashley Juggs), goofy puns (Tex Offender, Carmen Geddit, Ivana B. Sedated) or just tough-sounding monikers (Crasher, Beverly Kills, Chewcifer).

The crowd was diverse in just about every respect. I saw men, women, little kids, old folks, clean-cut suburbanites and dudes with more piercings than fingers. Just about the broadest cross-section of Houston that you could cut. Interestingly, though, the crowd was pretty much all-white, but the best player out there (“Death by Chocolate”) was black.

Here’s how the game works. Both teams line up in a big pack. Each team has a pivot in front and three blockers behind her. In the back is each teams Jammer, the only girl who can score. The teams take off at the first whistle. At the second whistle, the Jammers race ahead and elbow their way through the pack. Once they get in front of the pack, they can lap the pack for points. A Jammer scores a point for every girl she passes. Jams last two minutes, but can be called off by the lead Jammer. Here are the rules in more detail.
Basically, this leads to a couple fast chicks maneuvering about nimbly, while other chicks try to knock the hell out of them. A good time was had by all.

DSCN2091
It was a pretty good turnout.

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Members of the Psych Ward Sirens warm up.

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One of the Burlesque Brawlers gets ready for action.

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The play-by-play commentary sucked ass.

DSCN2082
A bout in progress.

Next bout is Saturday, April 29. I’ve got a Knights of Columbus event, so hopefully it’ll be over in time for the bout. Roller Derby rules.


April 7, 2006

They’re everywhere

Squarebottsdot

This post is dedicated to a ubiquitous but unsung hero of modern transportation infrastructure: the raised pavement marker, or “dot.”

These markers — known in California as “Botts’ dots” after their inventor — are those ubiquitous round or square lumps used as lane markers on roadways all across the Fruited Plain. At first glance, they’re pretty simple. But this apparently simplicity belies a lot of engineering prowess.

Construction

First of all, what are they made of? Well, they come in multiple shapes, and are made of different materials. For an up-close-and-personal look at these little guys, I spoke to Ken Dinning of Professional Pavement Products in Houston, who was gracious enough to tell me everything there is to know about raised pavement markers.

City streets tend to use simple round buttons, measuring 4″ across, like this:

dscn2068

It’s basically just a dome-shaped lump of fired ceramic clay, painted with nonreflective paint and then glazed. It’s 4″ in diameter and 3/4″ thick. The bottom isn’t painted, and has ridges molded into it, giving it a larger surface area for adhesion to the road, which is accomplished using a bituminous glue. (More on that later.) That’s the basic, no-frills marker.

Now we come to the real star of the show, the Class R Raised Retroreflective Pavement Marker. Avery Dennison is the largest manufacturer of Class B dots, but this model is a Glowlite 987, made by the friendly Communists at the Chongqing Universal Pavement Marker Company:

DSCN2069
DSCN2070

As you can see, the construction of a Class B dot is a lot different. It’s a hard ABS plastic shell, filled with a material kinda like concrete. It measures 4″ square and weighs 8 oz. It has a trapezoidal cross-section with a reflector on at least one of the two sloped faces. The reflector, angled at 30° for maximum visibility, exhibits a property called retroreflectivity, meaning all the light shone into the reflector reflects back directly to the source of the light, not in some other direction. No matter what angle you look at the thing, you’ll see the same bright reflection.

Because this type of dot has multiple parts, the colors can be customized in all sorts of ways. The shells come in yellow, white, blue, red and green. The reflectors come in the same colors, and one dot can have two different-colored reflectors. Each color combination has a different application.

For a centerline on a two-way street, the typical dot is a yellow shell with two yellow reflectors. For a lane or shoulder marker, it’s a white shell with a white reflector. But for one-way streets, the lane markers use multiple colors. If you’re driving down a one-way street, you’ll see white reflectors. But the back side — the side you’ll see in the rear-view mirror — has a red reflector, serving as a “wrong way” warning to dumbasses.

Every so often, you’ll see a stray blue dot stuck in the middle of a lane all by its lonesome, with a blue reflector in each direction. This little guy is a silent sentinel of public safety, marking the location of a fire hydrant.

Cost

According to Ken, a typical Class B dot costs about $2 when bought in bulk. But as any Home Depot shopper will tell you, the material price is meaningless. They get you on the labor and adhesives, and the same thing is true with the dot business. The “all-in” price of a dot — including the dot itself, adhesive and installation — is about five bucks.

Installation

Now that you know what the dots are and how much they cost, it’s time to stick ‘em to the road. Highway department use either epoxy or bituminous adhesive, which is similar to roof tar. Texas uses bituminous adhesive, and the specifications for this stuff are pretty demanding. The same adhesive is used for concrete and asphalt roads, and can be applied when the temperature of the road is anywhere from 40°F to 160°F. It has to withstand 200°F temperatures without softening. Dots are not afraid of global warming.

This means you have to heat the stuff to very high temperatures in order to apply it. The adhesive comes in 50-pound and 60-pound blocks, which are fed into a machine that heats it up to around 400°F. The machine crawls along the road and squirts gobs of adhesive at the right intervals. Workers then apply the dots by hand or machine, wiping the reflector lenses with paint-thinner to remove any wayward adhesive. Dots aren’t applied over expansion joints. Florida’s specifications mandate that no more than 2 percent of the dots should come loose or misaligned in the first 45 days of traffic exposure.

Testing

Dots are subjected to a battery of tests that boggles the mind. In California, they’re tested for identification and workmanship, bond strength, glaze thickness, hardness, directional reflectance, index of yellowness, color, autoclave, strength by compressive force and water absorption.

These tests are quite thorough and quite destructive. The dots are examined, manhandled, pulled with machines, shattered with hammers, dipped in hydroflouric acid, baked in ovens, immersed in water, scuffed with steel wool and crushed with 5,000 pounds of direct force.

Only the toughest and strongest dot recruits will be permitted to stand their eternal watch in the highways and byways of the Golden State.

Use and Abuse

In addition to providing visual clues for motorists, their raised nature provides tactile and aural feedback. We’ve all drifted over the line, only to be jerked back to attentive driving by the whump-whump-whump of a sequence of dots.

However, having bumps on the road presents a problem in cold climates — snowplows routinely scrape dots right off the road. In California, standard dots are countersunk in small depressions in the road. However, this is expensive to do, and it reduces the visibility of the dots. Accordingly, manufacturers have developed “snowplowable” dots. 3M’s plowable dot looks like this:

plowable dot

These dots are set in a cast-iron fitting, flush with the roadway or a bit lower. The flat edges along the sides guide a snowplow blade safety over the reflector housing, allowing a close shave every time.

Well, that’s it. Everything you could ever want to know about dots. Thanks to Ken Dinning of Professional Pavement Products for showing me around his store.

BONUS KNOWLEDGE: I learned another interesting fact about the traffic-control business. Speed bumps — “traffic calmers” in the business — are available that will slow down a car, but not an ambulance or fire truck. They’re built just narrower than the width between the tires on an emergency vehicle. Pretty cool, huh?


April 5, 2006

What a town!

I saw a peculiar thing today. At Post Oak and Memorial, there was a guy in the median with a sign, begging for money. Fine. You see that at pretty much every intersection in town. But the guy had something unusual for a beggar.

A cell phone.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. Houston’s economy is chugging along so well that even our bums have cell phones. The guy’s sign said he was hungry. Maybe he could call Domino’s.


March 16, 2006

Busted!

I was just in the drive-through lane at the absurdly-named Amegy Bank of Texas, when an HPD cruiser rolled up, blocking the exit of the truck in the next lane. Within about a minute, all three occupants of that truck were handcuffed and frisked. I finished my business and was driving away when I saw a bank employee leaving for the day. I asked her if those guys were trying to rob the bank. She told me, “No, they were trying to pass a fraudulent check.” I guess the teller got wise and called the police.

This means one of two things:

  • Criminals these days are getting really dumb if they can be stalled long enough for HPD to arrive, or
  • HPD’s response time is improving.

I’m not sure which one it is, but either development is most welcome.


January 26, 2006

Pancakes and bizarre sexual deviancy

Late tonight I had a hankerin’ for some tasty vittles, so I scooted on down to the local IHOP for a jalapeno omelet. The place was pretty empty: just me, a trucker, the waitress and the cook.

Then the transsexual hooker walked in, with a guy who I really hope knew what he was doing.

This wasn’t one of those transsexuals where you look and say, “That might not be a woman.” This was plain as day.

You see, I was blessed with an eye for subtle details that escape the notice of ordinary people. For example:

  • She was about 6-foot-2.
  • She was built like a brick shitter.
  • She had a five o’ clock shadow.
  • And an Adam’s apple.

But I’ve got to hand it to Peggy Sue; what she lacked in skill she made up in determination. She had on a ridiculous miniskirt, high heels and a big red wig. She walked with an exaggerated feminine gait and spoke with an exaggerated feminine voice.

The kicker was the exaggerated feminine pickiness. She and her, um, dining companion tried three different tables before settling on one. I guess they wanted the perfect view of a nearly vacant parking lot. Peggy Sue ordered a normal breakfast — bacon, eggs and toast — but with weird stipulations. Every item on a separate plate. One scrambled egg, one fried. One piece of wheat toast, one piece of white toast. In the 20 minutes I was there, Peggy got up to use the ladies room twice.

She didn’t shave either time.


January 24, 2006

Memorial Eye Center and the five-hour burrito

Let me preface this with what I expect as a customer: I want a business to appreciate the value of my time and money. I want businesses to realize that they are competing with other businesses for that time and money.

Memorial Eye Center
fails big time. I went in to order a pair of glasses. I picked out a pair, and told the woman that I’d like to buy them, filled with my prescription, which the store has on file. She spent a couple minutes filling out a form, then said “Oh, these will take a little longer.” Apparently that frame requires the use of a machine that the store didn’t have. Okay, fine. “How long?”

“About two weeks.”

TWO WEEKS?! Are you freaking kidding me? Keep in mind that I can think of at least a half-dozen places where I could get glasses in AN HOUR. Let’s say Memorial Eye Center is open 50 hours a week. That means that this East Berlin of an eyeglass store takes 100 times longer than its competitors to make the exact same product.

Here’s an analogy. Let’s say you like Taco Bell. You drive through Taco Bell once a week and buy a burrito. Average time for the transaction is, say, three minutes. Would you go to a competing taco joint and wait FIVE HOURS (3 min x 100) for the exact same burrito?

Yeah, me neither. Memorial Eye Center, you suck.


January 15, 2006

In Soviet Russia, shots of Jager drink YOU!

Last night’s audio from the Flying Saucer:

The cast of characters in this little tragedy includes (in rough order of appearance):

Amy the bartendrix, waxing poetic about Harry Potter
Freddy, egging her on
Me, messing with Chris
Chris, threatening to kill me


December 28, 2005

I’d call the mayor, but the bastards took my phone

I got robbed last night. I had some car trouble and was waiting for AAA to arrive when I was approached by three youths. The subsequent exchange went like this:

Punk: Let me see that phone.
Me: No

Then the punk slugged me over the head with something hard, and I dropped like a sack of hammers. When I came to, I was missing my cell phone, PDA and wallet. The wallet was found this morning near a Dumpster at a nearby apartment complex.

So I spent a very fun morning on the phone with my bank, and at the Houston Police Department’s Westside Command Station. The officers there were friendly and courteous, and very thorough in documenting my report.

It’s a shame that good cops are hamstrung by an administration that cares more about jaywalking-ticket revenue than they do about the knot on my head.

UPDATE: On the off chance that the Boys in Blue ever catch these guys, it’s nice to know they’ll be stamping out license plates in Huntsville for a long while. Texas isn’t very kind to robbers. Robbery is a second-degree felony, punishable by 2-20 years in prison and a fine of $10,000. Aggravated robbery is a first-degree felony, which will earn you 5 years to life, and a $10,000 fine.


December 19, 2005

Don’t bother ringin’ it up; it’s for a duck

Kudos to the lovely and talented Anne Linehan, who hooked me — and a whole bunch of fellow conservative Houston bloggers — up with free food at Wolfgang Puck Express this weekend. It was nice to catch up with everyone: Anne’s husband and rugrats, Evan, Sedosi, Kevin and Callie, Chris and Christy Elam, and the Rorschach family. It was nice to prove to everyone that Diane is actually a real person, despite what Callie may think.

WP Express is a combination fast-food/sit-down experience, sort of like Cafe Express. The menu features salads, pizzas, sandwiches, pasta dishes, etc., in addition to beer and wine. This was a brand-new store, in the Town Center area of Sugar Land, and Saturday’s meal was a dry run, which gets the staff trained and broken in before paying customers arrive. It’s a win-win scenario: realistic training for the waiters and cooks, and free food for Matt.

I had the meatloaf, which was served atop a bed of deliciously creamy, garlicky mashed potatoes, with a side of grilled veggies. The meatloaf was delicious. I have to agree with Rorschach:

And I have to tell you, meatloaf is not normally one of my favorite foods, but this stuff you’d loose a finger if you tried to take it away from me.

Pretty much. Diane had a chicken pesto sandwich, which was really good.

Overall, a great place with very friendly service. And it was free. Hells yeah.


November 30, 2005

Haikus for Centerpoint Energy

It happened again
The electrons stopped flowing
Vengeance will be mine

Turn the juice back on
You dumbass jerkoff shitheads
It’s cold and it’s dark

Centerpoint tells me
“It’s probably just a fuse”
You call that service?


So mad, I almost like it


November 11, 2005

Vets to be honored at Aeros game

Thanks to ubertipster Byron for passing this one along. This is an email from Tom Stallings of the Houston Aeros:

We have our veteran’s day celebration [tonight] and are hosting any active duty or reserve serviceman at our game [tonight] thanks to season ticket holder and sponsor donations. We currently have filled all requests for tickets that we know of, but have additional season ticket holders wishing to contribute. Do you know any current or distinguished retired service members who would like to attend the game [tonight] at no charge? We will be saluting veterans throughout the game.

If you know of any vet who deserves to see a free hockey game, drop Tom a line at tstallings@aeros.com.


Veterans put on parade in Downtown Houston

If you’ve got the day off, why not head downtown? Sure, you’ll have to dodge panhandlers and MetroRail killing machines, but you’ll also get a chance to honor Houston-area veterans:

On Friday, November 11, 2005, Mayor Bill White and the City of Houston will show support of the Armed Forces as we celebrate the 7th Annual Houston Salutes American Heroes Veteran’s Day Commemoration and Parade. We anticipate that thousands of members of the Houston-area military and veterans organizations will participate in the event to honor those who served our country. Commemoration at 10 a.m. in front of City Hall, parade at 11:30 a.m.

The parade will start at the corner of Smith and Texas. The Chron has a map.


November 4, 2005

Dangerous killer still on the loose

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Sorry I haven’t gotten to this before now, but there’s an escaped murderer on the streets, and he has nothing to lose:

Authorities continued to scour downtown Houston and the surrounding areas late Thursday for a death row convict who used a fake badge and a change of clothes to walk out of the Harris County Jail’s Baker Street facility.

Charles Victor Thompson, 35, convicted in the shooting deaths of his ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend in 1998, escaped about 3:30 p.m. while being held inside the high-security J Pod unit at the County Jail at 1200 Baker, officials said.

Thompson, described as 5′ 11″ and weighing approximately 230 pounds, was last seen wearing a dark blue shirt, khaki pants and white tennis shoes.

Sheriff’s officials said Thompson may be in a gray-colored 2003 Nissan Frontier truck with Texas license plate 8WLX62. The truck is listed in an online database of motor vehicle records as belonging to his father, Stephen R. Thompson III, 59, of Tomball.

He’s also got a hit list. On a completely unrelated note, I found a sweet “intelligent bullet” the other day.


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