• A guy tried to sell me ecstasy,
• Then he stole my malt liquor from the fridge.
• Captain Morgan and I talked about Notre Dame football.
• I was forced to wear a halter top.
• We discovered the nicest Dairy Queen in the world.
• Supergirl fondled my chest angrily.
• We convinced Wes to leave his tomahawk in the car.
• Bobby farted at least every 15 minutes for 6 hours.
• We ate “love butter” at the Magnolia Cafe.

Good times.

• Globally uncompetitive automobiles,
• Weekly airline bankruptcies,
• Unionized millionaire baseball players, and
• the Democratic Party.

Thanks, Commies. I’m spending this Labor Day by laboring.

To those men and women and their families, thank you for your sacrifice. As we celebrate Memorial Day, may we rededicate ourselves to honor your memories, pray for your souls and carry on your mission.

Until then, happy St. Patrick’s Day, lads!

It was a pretty good take this year. My folks got me new floors for my kitchen and bathrooms, so that’s pretty sweet. I also snagged a blender and some cash. Hells yeah.

Stay tuned, folks. Remember those changes I promised y’all a little while ago? They’re coming, and from what I’ve seen so far, they’re going to be pretty sweet.

We have our veteran’s day celebration [tonight] and are hosting any active duty or reserve serviceman at our game [tonight] thanks to season ticket holder and sponsor donations. We currently have filled all requests for tickets that we know of, but have additional season ticket holders wishing to contribute. Do you know any current or distinguished retired service members who would like to attend the game [tonight] at no charge? We will be saluting veterans throughout the game.

If you know of any vet who deserves to see a free hockey game, drop Tom a line at tstallings@aeros.com.

On Friday, November 11, 2005, Mayor Bill White and the City of Houston will show support of the Armed Forces as we celebrate the 7th Annual Houston Salutes American Heroes Veteran’s Day Commemoration and Parade. We anticipate that thousands of members of the Houston-area military and veterans organizations will participate in the event to honor those who served our country. Commemoration at 10 a.m. in front of City Hall, parade at 11:30 a.m.

The parade will start at the corner of Smith and Texas. The Chron has a map.

We’re all very different people. We’re not Watusi. We’re not Spartans. We’re Americans! With a capital A, huh?

There’s something wrong with us, something very, very wrong with us. Something seriously wrong with us. We’re soldiers!

But we’re American soldiers! We’ve been kicking ass for 200 years! We’re 10 and 1!

There are a lot of things I like about writing for LST. But my favorite thing is this: I don’t have to write it in Spanish, German, Japanese, Russian or Arabic. Thanks, vets, from all of us at Mattsapundit.

Happy Veterans Day!

On this date in 1775, the Continental Congress authorized the first units of Marines, who quickly got busy in the tyranny-overthrow business. They’ve been the industry leader ever since.

In 1921, Maj. Gen. John A. Lejeune, Commandant of the Marine Corps, issued Order No. 47, which is read to every Marine unit worldwide on November 10:

The following will be read to the command on the 10th of November, 1921, and hereafter on the 10th of November every year. Should the order not be received by the 10th of November, 1921, it will be read upon receipt.

(1) On November 10, 1775, a Corps of Marines was created by a resolution of the Continental Congress. Since that date many thousand men have borne the name “Marine.” In memory of them, it is fitting that we who are Marines should commemorate the birthday of our Corps by calling to mind the glories of its long and illustrious history.

(2) The record of our Corps is one which will bear comparison with that of the most famous military organizations in the world’s history. During 90 of the 146 years of its existence the Marine Corps has been in action against the Nation’s foes. From the Battle of Trenton to the Argonne, Marines have won foremost honors in war, and in the long eras of tranquility at home, generation after generation of Marines have grown gray in war in both hemispheres and in every corner of the seven seas, that our country and its citizens might enjoy peace and security.

(3) In every battle and skirmish since the birth of our Corps, Marines have acquitted themselves with the greatest distinction, winning new honors on each occasion until the term “Marine” has come to signify all that is highest in military efficiency and soldierly virtue.

(4) This high name of distinction and soldierly repute we who are Marines today have received from those who have preceded us in the Corps. With it we have also received from them the eternal spirit which has animated our Corps from generation to generation and has been the distinguishing mark of the Marines in every age. So long as that spirit continues to flourish Marines will be found equal to every emergency in the future as they have been in the past, and the men of our Nation will regard us as worthy successors to the long line of illustrious men who have served as “Soldiers of the Sea” since the founding of the Corps.

Happy birthday, Marines!

Time to scare the piss out of you. Look at this.

Yikes.

At the end of 1492 most men in Western Europe felt exceedingly gloomy about the future. Christian civilization appeared to be shrinking in area and dividing into hostil units as its sphere contracted. For over a century there had been no important advance in natural science and registration in the universities dwindled as the instruction they offered became increasingly jejune and lifeless. Institutions were decaying, well-meaning people were growing cynical or desperate, and many intelligent men, for want of something better to do, were endeavoring to escape the present through studying the pagan past. . . .

Yet, even as the chroniclers of Nuremberg were correcting their proofs from Koberger’s press, a Spanish caravel named Nina scudded before a winter gale into Lisbon with news of a discovery that was to give old Europe another chance.In a few years we find the mental picture completely changed. Strong monarchs are stamping out privy conspiracy and rebellion; the Church, purged and chastened by the Protestant Reformation, puts her house in order; new ideas flare up throughout Italy, France, Germany and the northern nations; faith in God revives and the human spirit is renewed. The change is complete and startling: “A new envisagement of the world has begun, and men are no longer sighing after the imaginary golden age that lay in the distant past, but speculating as to the golden age that might possibly lie in the oncoming future.”

Christopher Columbus belonged to an age that was past, yet he became the sign and symbol of this new age of hope, glory and accomplishment. His medieval faith impelled him to a modern solution: Expansion.

As Prof. Reynolds would say, while taking a sip of a refreshing puppy smoothie: Indeed.

El Cinco de Mayo (“The Fifth of May” in Spanish) is a national holiday in Mexico. It commemorates the victory of Mexican forces led by General Ignacio Zaragoza over the French expeditionary forces in the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862.

That’s it? The French lost a road game? Well whoop-de-freakin’-doo! What else is new? Here’s a brief rundown of France’s attempts at empire:

Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.” Sainted.

Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War
- Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

Che sucks.

Click pic for story.