One of my coworkers recently tendered his resignation, an event which freed up an office here at the palacial MattCo executive suites. Prior to this event, I had been sharing a larger office with a colleague, which was cool (I really like the guy), but it’s nice to have my own space.
The furnishings are much better. Now I’ve got a larger L-shaped desk with more surface area:

Sweet.
I also have two bookcases, a table big enough to spread out blueprints and a cushy wheeled chair that reclines startlingly far.

As far as decor goes, it can best be described as…um, basic. Speckled, nondescript carpet, off-white walls, flourescent lighting. The boss’ wife put a sort of plant on one of the bookcases. Not really a plant, though. More like a few dried sticks in a nice vase. I hung my diploma from the wall and put a picture of Diane on my desk. I’ll have to put something else on the wall, too. I’ll keep an eye out.

First things first, though. I have to go through all the crap I moved from my old desk. I managed to throw out quite a bit. The sort of thing you hang onto in case you need it, but you never do. But here’s the stuff I do need — contents of file drawers and current files:

Yikes!

Actually, it looks worse than it is. I’m going to get this all cleaned up by lunchtime. Or rather, I’ll refuse to eat lunch until it’s all cleaned up.

Unfortunately, he didn’t have any of my model phone, so they’re shipping me one via 2nd Day Air. Pretty sweet. All I have to do is ship the crappy one back when I get the new one, and we’ll be good to go. I should get the new phone on Wednesday.

Until then, no cell phone for me. If you need to get in touch with me, drop me an email.

• Globally uncompetitive automobiles,
• Weekly airline bankruptcies,
• Unionized millionaire baseball players, and
• the Democratic Party.

Thanks, Commies. I’m spending this Labor Day by laboring.

Southwest Airlines will test assigning seats to travelers, another indication the maverick carrier may get in line with other U.S. airlines by junking its first-come, first-served seating system.

Passengers will be assigned seats on about 200 flights from San Diego starting July 10 and continuing for several weeks, an airline spokesman said on Tuesday.

The airline wants to know if assigning seats will slow Southwest’s ability to unload incoming planes and board passengers for the next flight.

Yes, you dumbasses, it will.

[Hat-tip: Loren Steffy]

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כמה זה עלה?

• מחיר שיחה לנייד של רשת מירס. זהו.

התחייבויות, חוזים?

• לא! תתקשר מכל קוו (גם טלפון שקלים, וגם טלקארד שבחוץ),
  מתי שבא לך, כמה שבא לך, ללא התחייבות, ובלי הרשמה.

הטלפון שלי בבית חסום לשיחות לחו”ל, מה עושים?

• מתקשרים, ×–×” לא חסום לשיחות למירס.

ומה יופיע בחשבון חודשי?

• החיוב מופיעה כחלק מהחיובים של חברות סלולאר (מירס).

ולאן אפשר להתקשר?

I’ll task the Mattsapundit Semitic Languages Directorate on this immediately.

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To start sending money from your phone, log into PayPal and associate your mobile phone number with your account. I know. I hate giving away my phone number too, but PayPal’s already got my bank information, so that makes the voice digits seem like less of an issue. Once you enter your cell phone number in your PayPal account and set up a mobile PIN (separate from your account password), PayPal’s voice robot calls your phone on the spot and asks you to verify the PIN. Once the PIN’s matched, your phone is PayPal-enabled.

Then, to send someone else’s phone $5.50 in cash, text message PAYPAL (729725) the message send 5.50 to 7185551212 where the recipient’s phone number is (718) 555-1212.

PayPal doesn’t exactly advertise this (it’s buried in their help pages), but you can PayPal someone’s email address from your mobile, too. Just make your text message send 5 to editor@lifehacker.com instead.

The cool factor is pretty good, but I could see myself using this on the run, for splitting checks and things like that. Check it out.

A few days ago, I skipped down to my local McDonald’s hamburgery and bought an Asian Salad from the drive-thru. The salad comes with a little packet of sliced almonds, which provide a nice contract in flavor and texture to the greens and sweet dressing.

At least, they’re supposed to. I don’t know what these almonds tasted like, because when I opened the packet, I found the nuts covered in blue-green mold. I don’t mean a few spores here and there. This was a fully-functioning mold city.

I didn’t have time to deal with it then, so I just threw out the almonds, checked the rest of my salad for rot, and munched away. Eventually I called McDonald’s corporate headquarters and talked to a very helpful young guy who took my complaint and promised to forward my concerns to the franchisee. Okay, whatever. At least I bitched to someone.
To my pleasant suprise, I got a call Friday morning from the restaurant’s owner, a woman whose name eludes me at the moment. She was very apologetic and seemed genuinely interested in my complaint. She was pretty embarrassed that there would be problems with such a high-profile, much-ballyhooed product, and she pledged to investigate the matter.

She even offered to send me some gift certificates so I can come back in for free (hopefully) non-fungus-riddled food. I haven’t gotten them yet, but I figure it’ll be five bucks. Fine by me.
I am now once again a satisfied customer, and I’ll gladly go back to that McDonald’s, because that business proved it wants my patronage.

The airline is overhauling its computerized-reservation system to add the ability to assign seats and offer international flights. Officials say neither change is for sure.

The earliest Southwest could switch to assigned seating, used by every other major U.S. carrier, is 2008, Chief Executive Gary Kelly said Wednesday. The system won’t be able to handle the tax and customs information required for international travel until the following year, he said.

It would be a mistake to move away from open seating. As SciGuy has discussed, it’s faster and more efficient than assigned seating. One of Southwest’s major competitive advantages is its quick turnaround time. Planes don’t make money sitting on the ground, so Southwest keeps ‘em in the air. By shaving just a few minutes off each flight, you can accumulate enough saved time during the day to fly one more hop. The flipside is also true: waste an extra few minutes on the ground every flight, and you run out of daylight pretty soon.

To see, let’s crunch some numbers. Let’s say a Southwest plane’s workday is 12 hours; the first takeoff is at 8:00 a.m., and the plane has to be on the ground in its final destination city by 8:00 p.m. Let’s assume 1-hour flights with 20 minutes on the ground in between flights. For simplicity’s sake, all flights are within the same time zone.

The timetable looks like this:

• Flight 1: 8:00-9:00
• Flight 2: 9:20-10:20
• Flight 3: 10:40-11:40
• Flight 4: 12:00-1:00
• Flight 5: 1:20-2:20
• Flight 6: 2:40-3:40
• Flight 7: 4:00-5:00
• Flight 8: 5:20-6:20
• Flight 9: 6:40-7:40

That’s 9 flights a day. To make it easy, we’ll assume 100 passengers per flight, each paying $100. That’s 10 grand in revenue per flight. Fly this route every day for a year, and you pull in $32.85 million.
Now let’s say you introduce assigned seating, and let’s say it adds just 5 more minutes on the ground, per flight. Now your timetable looks like this:

• Flight 1: 8:00-9:00
• Flight 2: 9:25-10:25
• Flight 3: 10:50-11:50
• Flight 4: 12:15-1:15
• Flight 5: 1:40-2:40
• Flight 6: 3:05-4:05
• Flight 7: 4:30-5:30
• Flight 8: 5:55-6:55

Because of all the dilly-dallying on the ground, Flight 9 won’t get in before closing time, so it gets cut. Using the same assumptions as before, annual revenue just fell from $32.85 million to $29.2 million, a loss of $3.65 million or 11.1 percent. And that’s just on one route. Extrapolate that figure systemwide, and you’re talking some serious coin.

Of course, this idea makes sense if enough passengers are willing to pay a premium for assigned seating. It would have to be a pretty big premium, though — 11.1 percent just to break even. I don’t think many Southwest customers would pay it, given the choice. I sure as hell wouldn’t.

[Hat-tip: Laurence]

• I drop the package off at the last possible dropoff time (8:00 p.m. for the location near me).
• The package arrives at its destination right on the deadline.
• The origin and destination are in the same time zone, and they’re both included in “most cities.”

Here’s the data:

Graph the points, and here’s what you get:

Look at the marginal values, and here’s what you get:

This is really the meat of it. Upgrading from the cheapo service to 2Day, Standard Overnight or even Priority Overnight costs a few cents for every hour of improved speed. After all, if you’re torn between 2-day and 3-day service, the package isn’t all that time-sensitive.But First Overnight costs more than $16 per hour of improvement over its cheaper brother, Priority Overnight. I wouldn’t think there are too many situations where 10:30 a.m. isn’t fast enough, but 8:30 a.m. is.

That said, if you’re in one of those situations, it really “absolutely, positively has to get there” first thing in the morning. FedEx knows that in that kind of right-down-to-the-wire, pressure-cooker situation, people will pay. A lot.

That’s why I was happy to download Southwest’s “Ding” application. It’s a small app that sits in the system tray, displaying the familiar striped 737 tail. Whenever Southwest has a sale or other promotion, it plays a “Ding” sound effect, and I hurriedly click on the icon to see where I can go. Everytime, memories of Caesars flash through my mind.

Here’s what makes it even better. Southwest recently changed its Rapid Rewards program so that credits are good for two years instead of one. What’s more, the company retroactively applied the change, so I’m just two flights away from a freebie. I’m heading to South Bend in a few weeks for The Observer‘s 40th anniversary reunion/drinking binge. This summer, I’ll be heading to Medina, Ohio (rhymes with vagina) for Tommy’s wedding. After that, I’ll get a flight (and booze!) for free. Hell yeah.

Yep, these babies are like no other khakis you will ever own. I have two pair, one that I just got. They are the best fitting pants you can get…just make sure you order them a little bigger than your usual size. Take them to a tailor and get them properly hemmed and you will never regret it. I took my first pair to the cleaners often but I’m not going to do that with this new pair…just wash and hang to dry. They look great and will last forever. Bitchin pants!

Wow. Glenn Beck is a fan, too. The folks at Bill’s say their pants are inspired by the pants issued to GIs in World War II. I know for a fact that other designs from that era have withstood the test of time, like the brilliantly simple P-38 can opener.

Here’s the thing, though: they’re $97.50. I’ve never spent that much on a pair of pants in my 24 years on this earth. But if they’re worth it, I’ll go for it. Anyone out there have a pair of these?

I can’t stand those damn things.

I should qualify that. They’re actually pretty convenient when I’m in a hurry, and I just want a Coke or a dozen eggs or something. But when I’ve got a cart full of stuff, I don’t want to check out my own groceries. I don’t want to search for barcodes, I don’t want to weigh fruit, and I don’t want to feed currency into a slot one bill at a time.

One of the problems is usability. After you scan each item, you’re instructed by the maddening feminine voice to “please place the item into the bag.” The bags — flimsy plastic only — are on racks mounted on a big scale. Apparently the weight of each item is programmed into the system as a theft-prevention measure, so some scumbag doesn’t pay for a candy bar and walk off with two cases of Pabst. The problem is that when you have a whole lot of groceries, you run out of room. You try to take one of the full bags off to make more room, and the maddening voice tells you to “place the item back in the bag.”

But my main beef with the damn things is much broader: It’s not my freakin’ job. I already have a job. I get up in the morning and I work very hard at my job. When I go to spend the money I made at my job, I don’t want to do someone else’s job. There’s a reason the good Lord made pizza-faced 16-year-olds, and that reason is so that I don’t have to run a six-pack over a laser grid 17 times.

Some of you might find my anti-U-Scan position at odds with my nature as a free marketeer. After all, Kroger is just trying to make a buck, so what’s wrong with that? Not a thing. The company is certainly free to conduct its business however it wants. But so am I, and that’s why I usually shop at Randalls, where they have real live people to ring up my groceries. Imagine that!

I also have a problem with it on a larger level. Society-wide, the notion of customer service has been slipping because we, the consuming public, have allowed it to slip. Sixty years ago, I bet the notion of routinely pumping your own gas was pretty foreign. Nowadays, it’s pretty rare to even find a full-service pump. In fact, the assholes responsible for the U-Scan monstrosity admit their inspiration, in part, came from the decline in gas station service:

Based on their acceptance of ATMs and pay-at-the-pump fueling, “customers show they are willing to use self-service technology,” says Jim Mueller, director of information technology for Shnuck Markets. “The technology is now more secure and reliable and customers feel comfortable guiding themselves through the checkout process.”

Bullshit.

This means one of two things:

• Criminals these days are getting really dumb if they can be stalled long enough for HPD to arrive, or
• HPD’s response time is improving.

I’m not sure which one it is, but either development is most welcome.

She ripped me off.

Today, I happened across this little gem on the Web-Divas site:

Web-Divas is closing its doors after almost 3 years. We are thankful for each and every Client who made us what we became. At this time the health and well-being of our families needs to come first. We just want to say thank you for everything!

Love Rachel & Cherry

Good riddance, scumbag.

B- Married individuals:
1- Authorize for them a basic monthly salary of 6,500 Rupees.
2- The sum of 300 Rupees is added per child.
3- Add the sum of 700 Rupees per wife in case of multi-wives.
4- Approve a 10% annual increment of the basic salary for cost of living increase.

Pretty sweet raise structure. These guys can keep up with the property taxes on their caves. By the way, the exchange rate is about 60 Pakistani rupees to the dollar, and per capita GDP (on a purchasing power parity basis) is about $2,400. Next, travel benefits:

2- Tickets
A- The married man whose family is in his own country will be treated like a bachelor in respect to salary but will be given an air ticket home annually.

If you use your free ticket, but then hijack the plane, do you get another ticket? And how do you account for it on your income taxes? Is it income, or a reimbursed employee expense, or what? I digress. Now we come to medical care:

A- All (Al-Qa’eda) members can visit the medical staff and obtain medicine free of charge.

I don’t know if I want to be in Dr. Jihad’s waiting room, considering the Islamic world has yet to develop chairs. I’d rather go out of network:

B- In the event the treatment is unfeasible and medicine is unavailable in Al-Qa’eda warehouse, the member will be paid the costs if more than 100 Rupees, conditional the treatment takes place in Peshawar.

I’m not sure about being treated in “Al-Qa’eda warehouse,” but at least the deductible is low. But if you still can’t find good treatment, there’s also a loan policy:

The administration grants a general loan for urgent need not to exceed 10,000 Rupees. The loan is deducted from salary over one year period.

And of course, it’s interest-free in accordance with Islamic banking customs. And when the stresses of jihad take their toll, why not kick back for a little R&R?

8- Vacations:
A- For those who work in Peshawar, they are entitled for Fridays, the two holy feasts (TC: Al-Adha [during the pilgrimage month] & Al-Fatr [following the end of the month of Ramadan]), and a one month annual leave to be enjoyed at the end of the eleventh month of work, as well sick leave not to exceed 15 days annually.

Fridays off, a month vacation, and two weeks of sick leave? Wow! Pretty sweet, considering these are the rear-echelon guys. But that’s nothing compared to the real cheesecake:

B- Those working in camps and in the frontlines:
Married: Enjoys a 7 day monthly vacation.
Single: Enjoys a 5 day monthly vacation

Is that seven days per wife? The organization even has a nice severance package, but who would want to quit a job with benefits like these?

If the administration dismissed any person, at least a one-month notice should be given to the dismissed party. If the person is to be dismissed soonest possible, then he will be paid a one month additional compensation.

Wow. Those negotiators at the International Beheaders Union sure drive a hard bargain. It’s interesting to note one thing, though: as crazy as these fanatical wackos are, there’s no defined-benefit pension plan. After all, they’re crazy, not stupid.

Black guys tend to get razor bumps from shaving, so companies offer special lotions and shaving creams to combat that problem. Black folks tend to have coarse, kinky hair, which requires different care than the straight or curly hair generally found on people of other races.

That’s all fine with me. We’re all different, and we have different needs in beauty products. Look at soap: some people have oily skin, some have very dry skin, some are allergic to fragrances, some break out very easily. These are biological differences, and different products are available to address them.

My problem is with the use of the word “ethnic.” Words mean things, and the grocery chain is stripping this word of its proper meaning. Everyone is ethnic. Here’s how Merriam-Webster defines the word:

of or relating to large groups of people classed according to common racial, national, tribal, religious, linguistic, or cultural origin or background

And that’s the second definition, which I think is more commonly used. The first definition is actually pretty insulting:

HEATHEN

So, instead of using “Black Hair Care” or “African-American Beauty Products,” the company opted instead to say something that could be interpreted as “Heathen Beauty Products” or “Uncivilized Hair Care.” Yikes.

Of course, the company wasn’t trying to say that. It just refused to say “Black” or “African-American,” probably to avoid appearing divisive or segregationist. Instead, it’s stuck saying something which is meaningless at best, and horribly racist at worst.

And yet, the company is inconsistent in its practice. The same store has a section, stocked with foods from Mexico. It’s got Goya products, hot peppers, and even candles with Catholic saints on them. This section is labeled “Hispanic.”

I find it interesting that one ethnic minority can be marketed to explicitly and openly, while another ethnic minority is marketed to only by use of a code word.

An extensive re-branding initiative will occur over several months, with changes planned for the following:

• Nearly 50,000 company vehicles.
• More than 6,000 company buildings
• Roughly 40,000 uniforms and hardhats worn by company service representatives.
• More than 30 million monthly customer bills.
• Millions of business cards, customer information pamphlets, and phone and online directories.
• Company Web sites.

We’re talking a long-term change, costing millions upon millions of dollars. You can’t just roll into Earl Scheib and get 50,000 trucks painted overnight. So it’s a big deal.

Time for some critical analysis. Here’s the design that used to grace Ma Bell’s shingle:

The old logo — which was jealously protected — consists of a blue circle made of latitudinal lines, on the upper left portion of which is projected a round, glowing spot. Both a solid (shown above) and a gradient version were produced. The gradient version is pretty much the same, only it has various shades of blue, which offer a more spherical feel. Below this symbol is “AT&T.” Let’s take a look at the portions of the old logo and what they represent:

• Blue circle: The Earth. It may be American Telephone and Telegraph, but it reaches across the globe.
• Latitudinal lines: Connote the global and communicative nature of the company, while visually turning a circle into a sphere.
• Glowing spot: Located in the northern and western hemispheres of this logo, the glowing spot represents the enlightened modernity (thanks to Ma Bell) distinctive of the American telecommunications system. It’s the A in AT&T.
• “AT&T”: Printed in a bold, don’t-fuck-with-us, monopolistic typeface.

I always liked this logo. It was simple, with only two colors (three, if you count the white). It was instantly recognizable even without the text, like the Chevrolet bow tie, the Nike swoosh, or the Apple apple. And it kinda looked like a baby blue Death Star.

Now, the new design, created by Interbrand:
Here’s my take on the new logo, bit by bit

• Blue and white circle: Still the earth, though the weather appears to be significantly cloudier than it was in the ’80s, and the planet is much more translucent. Possibly meant to evoke ideas of the transparency and openness that global communications can bring. Or maybe not.
• Latitudinal lines, with see-through effect: Same idea as the old logo, but intended for a more pronounced 3-D effect. It comes off looking like a beach ball.
• Glowing spot: Much less pronounced, and reversed in color. Here, the latitudinal blue lines swell. The placement is still in the northern and western hemisphere, though that’s more subtle now, since the top of the globe has been rotated towards the viewer and to the left a few degrees. Again, it’s an effort to emphasize the three-dimensional nature of the design. I’m not sure why; that whole round-earth thing was settled a while back. Or maybe not.
• Lowercase letters: The boldface is gone, and the letters are kinder and gentler. A sort of cutesy aw-shucks, we’re-still-here false modesty. Crap. An $80 billion corporation has no business acting like a teenaged girl named Staci who dots the I with a heart.

As you can probably tell, I’m not a big fan of this one. I don’t think there’s any major strategic screw-up on AT&T’s part; I just don’t find the new logo aesthetically pleasing. That said, AT&T did a number of things right with this rebranding, and the company should be applauded.

First, the company stayed true to its roots by refusing to rename itself. It’s still AT&T, just like it’s been since the earth cooled. The company was formed by the union of two firms with refreshingly boring names: SBC Communications (formerly Southwestern Bell), and AT&T (formerly American Telephone and Telegraph Company). The brass could’ve made up a name by splicing real words, like American Express did when it spun off its brokerage as “Ameriprise.” Or, it could’ve come up with a stupid name that focus-grouped well, despite being completely devoid of meaning. Altria and Enron come to mind. And in the phone business, we’ve got Verizon. Select a prescription drug at random for another meaningless name. Kudos to the AT&T board, for dancing with the guy that brung ‘em.

Second, the changes in the logo are evolutionary, not revolutionary. The overall design is pretty much the same; it’s just been tweaked a little to bring it up to date. The change is similar to Apple shedding its rainbow in or NBC’s peacock refits, Small, incremental modifications connote stability, something consumers like to see in what is really a utility company, and those changes have been apparent during the history of Bell/SBC/AT&T, something the company points out.

Third, the logo’s three-dimensional design allows for a greater range of motion than the old, flatter mark. I saw a commercial where the ball spun 90 degrees or so, bringing the bolder blue portion across, and it looked nice. One geeky beef: in the commercial, the logo rotated clockwise (from a north pole vantage point). The real world spins counterclockwise. Was this a subtle message that AT&T is company that’s unafraid to go against the grain? Maybe. But probably some animator just nodded off in his astrophysics lectures.

Fourth, the new vans look really cool.

Here’s AT&T’s official corporate stuff about the merger in general, and about the logo’s unveiling. And of course, other bloggers have a lot to say.