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This is the funniest thing I have seen this week:
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“Why do we scream at each other?”
I know why. It’s because for years, I couldn’t find a video on MTV to save my life. Now I can’t turn on the TV without Prince’s creepy nakedness crawling towards me.
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Here are the lyrics.
I saw a peculiar thing today. At Post Oak and Memorial, there was a guy in the median with a sign, begging for money. Fine. You see that at pretty much every intersection in town. But the guy had something unusual for a beggar.
A cell phone.
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. Houston’s economy is chugging along so well that even our bums have cell phones. The guy’s sign said he was hungry. Maybe he could call Domino’s.
Wait until Laurence hears about this one:
For Rodney and Scottie Colvin, it was been a nerve-racking eight days. Their cat, “Piper,” scampered up a tree in the yard of their Summerville, South Carolina home last Monday, March 13.
Efforts to coax the animal down failed. A week later, on Monday, March 20, would-be rescuers came to Piper’s aid. Then, something went terribly wrong, but this time all was okay in the end.
The cat fell nearly 80 feet, clipped a branch on the way down and then landed on its feet and ran away. Piper, no doubt, used up at least a couple of his feline nine lives, but otherwise appeared to have survived the ordeal without serious injuries.
Here’s the video.
I had a dream last night that I was run over by a car driven by Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) Any insights on what the hell that means would be appreciated.
This is without a doubt the most amusing English essay I have ever encountered.
Late tonight I had a hankerin’ for some tasty vittles, so I scooted on down to the local IHOP for a jalapeno omelet. The place was pretty empty: just me, a trucker, the waitress and the cook.
Then the transsexual hooker walked in, with a guy who I really hope knew what he was doing.
This wasn’t one of those transsexuals where you look and say, “That might not be a woman.” This was plain as day.
You see, I was blessed with an eye for subtle details that escape the notice of ordinary people. For example:
But I’ve got to hand it to Peggy Sue; what she lacked in skill she made up in determination. She had on a ridiculous miniskirt, high heels and a big red wig. She walked with an exaggerated feminine gait and spoke with an exaggerated feminine voice.
The kicker was the exaggerated feminine pickiness. She and her, um, dining companion tried three different tables before settling on one. I guess they wanted the perfect view of a nearly vacant parking lot. Peggy Sue ordered a normal breakfast — bacon, eggs and toast — but with weird stipulations. Every item on a separate plate. One scrambled egg, one fried. One piece of wheat toast, one piece of white toast. In the 20 minutes I was there, Peggy got up to use the ladies room twice.
She didn’t shave either time.
Y’all have found my little chunk of the Internet by using the following terms:
And of course, the ever popular:
At least I won’t be pigeonholed.
This just might be the most screwed-up story of the day:
Thai police are warning tourists of a new scam.Members of a Thai transvestite gang have confessed to hiding strong sedatives in their mouths and spitting them down the throats of victims during deep kissing. Then they rob the drugged tourists.
The confession came from three attractive transvestites arrested in Bangkok last week. Police say they’d robbed a Bangladeshi businessman of more than $7,300 in cash and valuables.
Police say the victim told investigators he met the transvestites in a bar and invited them all back to his apartment.
After kissing one, he said he felt dizzy and passed out. When he woke up, his cash, watch, mobile phone and notebook computer were gone.
I know I say this all the time, but apparently some people don’t listen, so I’ll say it again: DO NOT KISS YOUR THAI TRANSVESTITE HOOKER ON THE MOUTH.
BENZION ADDS– You will recall that those very words are printed at the top of Page 2 in the LoneStarTimes.com employee manual. Which is one of the many reasons we’ve been able to keep our health-care costs so low.
Remember all those Hollywood crazies who threatened to move to Canada if Bush won re-election? Well, maybe they were on to something:
A psychiatric hospital in Quebec has initiated a program to facilitate patient’s sexual relations, by providing them with private rooms equipped with beds, television, and on-demand pornographic videos and magazines.
LifeSiteNews.com spoke with University of Laval-associated Centre Hospitalier Robert-Giffard’s director of communications, Catherine Lassard, who confirmed the program, emphasizing it was a hospital-initiated measure.
The trial run will allow 60 patients access to the program and if successful, be made available to all 700 residents in six months time.
Nicole-Gagnon, the hospital’s ombudswoman and the person responsible for the program, told the Toronto Sun that “By facilitating patients’ sexual relations, we want to make sex a positive rather than a negative experience.”
Yeah, free on-demand porn and sex with fellow crazy people. That oughta cure ‘em.
[Hat-tip: Relapsed Catholic]
We don’t have poop-encrusted baked goods.
A Dallas cab driver is in big trouble for getting caught on tape sprinkling dried feces on pastries.49-year-old Behrouz Nahidmobarekeh is on trial for allegedly throwing fecal matter on pastries at a Fiesta grocery store.
Police said they found a pile of human feces by his bed.
He would dry it, either by microwave or just letting it sit out and grate it up with a cheese grater and then sprinkle it at the store, officials said.
What would Pepe the Parrot think?
Michelle Malkin points out what is either a tacky or incompetent photo editing job. An AP photo of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is normal, but USA Today’s version gives her really weird eyes:
Â
Real Condi.
EEEVIL Condi.
Yesterday, I told you about London’s $8,000 traffic tickets. In North Worcestershire, they’re going to the other extreme:
As part of a recruitment drive, North Worcestershire, UK police are handing out chocolates and balloons to speeders instead of tickets in the Wyre Forest district.Â
“We hope it will encourage people to think not only about speed and road safety related issues but also about becoming a Special,” North Worcestershire Specials Commandant Chris Cookson told the Express and Star. Specials are part-time volunteers who wear a uniform and carry full police powers while doing support work for paid police officers.
Those wacky limeys.
I think this qualifies as the incoherent ramblings of a crazy man:
Spike Lee: “Exactly. It’s not far-fetched. And also I would like to say it’s not necessarily blow it up. But, the residents of that ward, they believe it, there was a Hurricane Betsy in ‘65, the same that happened where a choice had to be made, one neighborhood got to save another neighborhood and flood another ‘hood, flood another neighborhood.
Lee: “Let me ask you a question: Do you think that election in 2000 was fair? You don’t think that was rigged?” [audience applause]
Martin: “It’s not a question of not being fair, it’s a question of-”
Lee: “If they can rig an election, they can do anything!”
When asked about the levee conspiracy theory, which apparently has gained credence among some New Orleans blacks, Mr. Lee said that “it’s not too far-fetched to think that, look, we got a bunch of poor black people here. We got to save these other neighborhoods. What we got to do, dump this in this ward, boom. I believe it.”
And when interviewer Daryn Kagan asked whether Mr. Lee really believed that theory, the director replied: “I don’t put anything past the United States government.”
Then again, what do you expect from a Knicks fan?
There’s a great line in “Top Gun” when Goose talks about Iceman:
It’s the way he flies. Ice cold, no mistakes.Â
Well, this iceman made at least one mistake:
It was a plane crash back in 1942 that wasn’t discovered until 1947. Now, hikers made a frozen discovery in connection with a World War II plane crash. Hikers found the frozen body of an airman while scaling Mount Mendel Glacier in the Sequoia National Park. Now, the military is working to find out who this airman is and whether he was ever reported missing.Â
It’s believed the airman has been frozen in the glacier for decades until a pair of climbers got much more than ever imagined on a hike.
Time to open up those cold case files.
UPDATE: Protein Wisdom covers this story with typical Protein Wisdom brilliance:
Which, now that I think about it, this reminds me of a time back in ‘91 or ‘92 when the same kind of thing happened to me—only, y’know, instead of a dead airman frozen in glacial ice found 13000 up on Mount Mendel, it was some fat guy passed out under the table at Friday’s from one too many shots of Sambuca whom I happened to find when I tried to slide my foot up Heather Cornbleuth’s sarong, only to wind up with my big toe jammed in the drunk bastard’s terribly dry mouth.
That’s just disgusting. Sambuca, I mean.
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