Time for another [1] grocery store bitch. Wes and I were at Kroger tonight, buying essential supplies for tomorrow’s St. Patrick’s Day party. It was late (11:00 p.m.) or so, and no checkout lanes were open. None. Instead, we had to use the U-Scan self-checkout machines.

I can’t stand those damn things.

I should qualify that. They’re actually pretty convenient when I’m in a hurry, and I just want a Coke or a dozen eggs or something. But when I’ve got a cart full of stuff, I don’t want to check out my own groceries. I don’t want to search for barcodes, I don’t want to weigh fruit, and I don’t want to feed currency into a slot one bill at a time.

One of the problems is usability. After you scan each item, you’re instructed by the maddening feminine voice to “please place the item into the bag.” The bags — flimsy plastic only — are on racks mounted on a big scale. Apparently the weight of each item is programmed into the system as a theft-prevention measure, so some scumbag doesn’t pay for a candy bar and walk off with two cases of Pabst. The problem is that when you have a whole lot of groceries, you run out of room. You try to take one of the full bags off to make more room, and the maddening voice tells you to “place the item back in the bag.”

But my main beef with the damn things is much broader: It’s not my freakin’ job. I already have a job. I get up in the morning and I work very hard at my job. When I go to spend the money I made at my job, I don’t want to do someone else’s job. There’s a reason the good Lord made pizza-faced 16-year-olds, and that reason is so that I don’t have to run a six-pack over a laser grid 17 times.

Some of you might find my anti-U-Scan position at odds with my nature as a free marketeer. After all, Kroger is just trying to make a buck, so what’s wrong with that? Not a thing. The company is certainly free to conduct its business however it wants. But so am I, and that’s why I usually shop at Randalls, where they have real live people to ring up my groceries. Imagine that!

I also have a problem with it on a larger level. Society-wide, the notion of customer service has been slipping because we, the consuming public, have allowed it to slip. Sixty years ago, I bet the notion of routinely pumping your own gas was pretty foreign. Nowadays, it’s pretty rare to even find a full-service pump. In fact, the assholes responsible for the U-Scan monstrosity [2] admit their inspiration, in part, came from the decline in gas station service:

Based on their acceptance of ATMs and pay-at-the-pump fueling, “customers show they are willing to use self-service technology,” says Jim Mueller, director of information technology for Shnuck Markets. “The technology is now more secure and reliable and customers feel comfortable guiding themselves through the checkout process.”

Bullshit.