I noticed the following words on my bottle of milk this evening:

Creamy & Delicious

It’s skim milk, dammit. If my skim milk is creamy, the milk-skimming machine is not performing its intended function.

The milk in question is branded “MooTopia.” The Mongoloid dumbasses good folks at H-E-B [1] claim it’s far superior to standard [2] divinely ordained milk. Quoth H-E-B:

Compared to traditional whole milk, H-E-B’s MooTopia features 60 percent less sugar, 35 percent more calcium, 75 percent more protein, 4 grams of carbs, is enhanced with vitamins A and D and lactose free.

Pretty impressive for something you squeeze out of a four-pack of teats. Unfortunately, selling precision-engineered dairy products is the only thing H-E-B is good at.

In addition to tempting the Lord, commissioning horribly written press releases and parking 18-wheelers on my route home from work, H-E-B operates a [3] large chain of crappy supermarkets. The executives at H-E-B (the [4] B stands for Butt, seriously) have devised a unique business model, combining the following elements:

• Bad store layout featuring offset aisles, so you have to make two 90-degree turns to stay in an aisle;
• An array of products narrow enough to make an East Berliner feel right at home;
• Shiftless, apathetic employees;
• Shopping carts built in such a way that my feet hit the underside of the cart with every stride;
• Lots of dirt and clutter; and
• Enraged customers

H-E-B’s site proclaims that the company is celebrating its [5] 100th anniversary. I urge H-E-B’s management to mark the occasion by ceasing operations immediately and turning the location nearest me into something more pleasant, like a chemical weapons depot, hog farm or pentitentiary. I appreciate the company’s [6] philanthropy, but the executives could do a lot more for the community by leaving it. I doubt I’ll ever enter an H-E-B store again without criminal intent.

I hope someone at H-E-B reads this post and communicates my concerns to the brass. Ordinarily I’d fill out a comment card, but my friendly neighborhood H-E-B location’s comment cards are printed exclusively in Spanish.

Cabrones.