Helen Thomas is [1] threatening suicide:

Veteran wire reporter Helen Thomas is vowing to ‘kill herself’ if Dick Cheney announces he is running for president.

The newspaper HILL first reported the startling claim on Thursday.

“The day Dick Cheney is going to run for president, I’ll kill myself,” she told the HILL. “All we need is one more liar.”

In a completely unrelated story, I sent some [2] jack to the RNC with the specific request that it be applied to the veep’s presidential campaign.

I’m hoping she does the deed in some spectacular way. Any hack can chase a fistful of Valium with a fifth of vodka. Helen can do better. I’m hoping for something beginning with a hail of gunfire and ending with a fiery plunge into the icy Potomac.